Jobe v1.9 - User Guide
(Last modified December 5th 2004)

About Me

Hello, I'm Jobe, I'm four years old and I like scrap metal, tyre swings and giving sarcastic answers. I hang around in chat rooms, say very little and am immune to being smacked about the head with a large trout. I HATE BEING CALLED "JOBEY", I don't like being kicked and I respond to "Guns!" as well. Because I can. Bear my wrath if you call me Jobey - if I were still an op (which I was back when it were all fields 'round here...) I'd kick you out.

Jobe v1.90 is © Neil Jones November 2000-present. All rights reserved. Use of my help file or my supported commands are permissible, but the code to work me is supplied "as is". All efforts have been made by my owner to ensure I do function as intended and that no harm is done to other users using me. Any offence caused by usage of these commands is pretty much unintentional and not to be taken seriously. If you do, then you clearly have more important issues to tend to.

By using me, you agree that this is "just for fun" and that neither my owner nor myself is responsible for any damage or ideas that occur through using Jobe. But if you play Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards for the satanic messages and get offended, it's not my problem.

Usage of me

For the majority of the time, I just sit in the channel like any other person. I do not respond to the majority of text sent by channel users, else I would be flooded off the channel. Instead, I just sit quietly waiting for a trigger to occur. At this time, I only respond to a subset of commands, as follows:

  1. !fish - New December 2004

    !fish, um, well try it. Smacks somebody around a bit with either a type of fish or something that vaguely resembles a fish if you go round all the houses to explain it. Watch as I dig my own hole...

    To use:

    Type !fish and the name of the person you want to, um, "fishify", for want of a better word. Actual example: "!fish Fred" => "Jobe slaps Fred about a bit with a large haddock/plaice/cod".

    !insult - New October 2004

    !insult throws, um, a random insult at somebody. No I'm not joking, really it does. Who writes this stuff? Just don't take offence.

    To use:

    In the main chat window, just type !insult followed by the name of who you want to insult, for example "!insult somebody in this room". Sillyness rating: Low.

  2. !ilikecake - New October 2004

    !ilikecake - acknowledges your announcement that you like cake. Sillyness rating: None.

  3. !tickle - added thousands of hours ago

    !tickle - gets a (virtual) feather out and does Ken Dodd impressions with it. "How tickled I am" not included.

    To use:

    Type !tickle followed by the name of who you want to tickle, for example "!tickle everybody in this room". Sillyness rating: Low.

  4. !order

    !order turns me into a virtual waiter, where you can order food, beverags, items, anything you can think of. You name it, I'll get it and put it on the table for you. It doesn't have to be a tangible object (as certain individuals found out...)

    To use the !order feature:

    In the main chat window, just type !order followed by what you want. So if you want some pizza, you could type !order some pizza and I would respond with "Jobe sets some pizza in front of you". Sillyness rating: Potentially very high.

  5. !command

    !command allows me to do actions in the chat room, in much the same way as if I was using the /me command on IRC.

    To use the !command feature:

    In the main chat window, just type !command followed by what action you want from me. It is recommended to use either the present or future tense with this command. So if you want me to sit on the floor, you would type !command sits on the floor and I would respond with "Jobe sits on the floor". Sillyness rating: Ridiculously high.

  6. Hello / Hi Jobe

    I now respond to other users who say hi to me in passing. In a nutshell, if you say "hi Jobe" or "hello Jobe", I will respond with a greeting message. Sillyness rating: You are joking? Cheesyness rating: Off the scale.

  7. wb Jobe

    If I leave the channel for any reason (my owner has ISP problems, for example), and I come back, people sometimes say "Welcome Back (or wb for short). I now acknowledge this with a message of Thanks. Cheesyness rating: Ridiculously high.

  8. !ask

    !ask asks me what I think about something. You can ask me anything you like and I'll tell you what I think of it.

    To use the !ask feature:

    Just type !ask followed by your question. For example "!ask do you think I should go and boil my head?" would ask me whether I think it's a good idea to boil your head or not.

    Your questions can be as long as you want them to be, but be prepared to receive the odd occasional silly answer J Sillyness rating: Ironically enough, tends to give a sensible answer when you don't need it.

  9. !aa

    !aa causes me to throw out a random Knightmare Series number and a team number from that Series, for example "Series 1 Team 1". This serves no real function on it's own and is really only useful in Knightmare Chat, or with the presence of a Knightmare Team Death expert on hand. Mark Hemingway need not apply.

    To use, just type !aa and press enter. Sillyness rating: None. Sadness rating: Far too high. Ability to start off a knightmare related chat: Guaranteed.

  10. !calc

    !calc invokes my calculator. Just type !calc followed by your problem. Symbols I recognise in mathematical terms are: + - * / (add, subtract, multiply, divide).

    For example: !calc 2 * 2 would result (Calculator: 2 * 2 = 4). For those too idle to get a real calculator. Please don't do silly things like "Knightmare+Lord Fear" because you'll get a null answer. So there.

  11. !time & !date

    These two commands tell you the time and date respectively. These are gleaned from the OS of my owner and reported to you. Please note that the time reported is GMT time (between March and October, it's BST time). Usefulness rating: High (if in UK), otherwise non existant. Type "!time 12" for a 12hr reading (ie 7:12pm as opposed to 19:12).

Troubleshooting Me

Problem

Possible Causes

Solution

I do not respond at all to !order,
!command or a greeting from a user
  1. I am not on the same actual server as you and there has been a netsplit somewhere.
  2. My owner may be having a temporary problem with the connection to his ISP.
  3. I am not processing data because I have malfunctioned in my code.
  1. Be patient. When the split is fixed, messages are synchronised and I act on them then.
  2. It may clear itself up, it may require a connection reset.
  3. Ask my owner (or if not present, send me a private message) to reset me.

I disappear from the member listing with a "Ping timeout" or "Connection Reset By Peer" as the reason for the disappearance
  1. My owner may have been disconnected by his ISP.
  2. Network services have become temporarily unavailable for any reason.
  1. Carry on as normal. I will return when re-connected.
  2. You will have to wait for the services to return to reset the listing. Takes less than 5mins normally.

I am responding very slowly to commands typed in by other users
  1. My owner may have a temporary data flow throughout problem with his ISP.
  2. I may be busy processing commands from other users.
  1. None. It should resolve itself, though in some cases may need an ISP reset.
  2. I will respond after I have finished all other commands in the queue.

Jobe History

Jobe version 1.90 (December 5th, 2004)

Jobe Version 1.81 (October 23rd, 2004)

Jobe Version 1.6 (December 10th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.51 (December 1st, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.5 (December 1st, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.41 (November 27th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.4 (November 20th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.3 (November 17th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.21 (November 15th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.2 (November 15th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.1 (November 14th, 2000)

Jobe Version 1.00 (November 12th, 2000)